I have never been the kind of person who “loved” working out. I don’t like group fitness, I don’t like people telling me what to do and when to do it, and I certainly don’t like looking at rock hard abs and thigh gaps I will never have. So if you were to tell me that in quarantine, I, Greta Titelman, would be “working out” every day I would have laughed in your face! A reason to stay in my house and watch every movie ever made? Yes, please! But after watching six movies in a day and eating 2lbs. of pasta, I felt a little gross and realized that maybe I needed to move. Once I started squatting and dancing and busting my little ass all around my house, I started to feel much better. I started to once again enjoy my body and not feel like a total blob, and reminded myself that moving just makes you feel sexy and horny for yourself! And, seeing as we are alone, we only have ourselves to be horny for. A win-win.

So after squatting, pushing, popping, and pulsing alone to club remixes of classics like “Fast Car” by Tracy Chapman, I created a “dance” if you will, to help my fellow “anarchist workout people” (my high school self would have punched me in the face for writing that) get their bodies pumping. At the end of the day/quar, it is not about how you look honey but how you feel! And I GUARANTEE with these moves you will be feeling yourself.

To achieve this, we have to hit the three most important areas: ABS, ARMS, and ASS! After following this guide, you’ll feel so hot—with an ass like Megan Thee Stallion (I know you were thinking J Lo but I am updating our 2020 ass goal), arms like Michelle Obama, and abs like Zac Efron—that when the quar is lifted you won’t want to leave your house because no one will be able to contain themselves!

MATCHA DANCE PLAYLIST—this is an ever growing playlist that already consists of 12 hours and 48 minutes of nonstop bangers.

STEP 1: ARMS
Quite possibly my least favorite part of my body to work out, but important nonetheless! I fully plan on only wearing tube tops the second we can publicly frolic, so I must give these limbs some attention! Since I do not own weights, I use what I have in my house. Turns out, anything can be workout equipment if we use it right. Two jars of pasta sauce, cans of soup, bottles of wine, whatever you can grip and not drop is a weight to me! I like pumping my Rao’s (sponsor me?) sauce jars to the early 00’s pop bangers I used to pregame to in college. Bacardi O anyone? Another favorite signature move is to hold your sauce in either hand and pretend you are driving a Ferrari to the club. A move which is way more fun and glamorous than pushing a tire or rowing a fake boat or whatever you would potentially be doing in a “real” workout class.

After driving to the club, I like to “fuck the sauce” in the club, which is essentially thrusting your hips and pumping your jars to the beat. The “sauce fuck” is an important move to remind yourself that you are 100% pure sex. (Oh and it also hits your triceps, biceps, quads, and hips which is a plus!)

STEP 2: ABS
Here is the deal with abs… we all have them! It doesn’t matter if you can see them or not. It’s just the power of the crunch and the burn we are going for.

I like bicycle crunches where I pretend I am frantically biking to catch up to the Ice Cream Man (Liam Hemsworth)—and when I finally catch him we both take turns licking a big, sloppy chocolate-vanilla swirl cone until the cone is gone and we furiously make out. This is a really good motivator, and will only make you want to crunch harder and harder.

Once you are bored of bicycle crunches, do a plank and stare down at your chest. Gaze at the gorgeous rock hard nipples and picture them grazing over the face of your crush—all while engaging your shredded core and keeping your ripe ass in-line with your hips and shoulders.

STEP 3: ASS
Once you have properly burned your core to an absolute crisp, it’s time to move onto the ‘pièce de résistance,’ the fruit of God herself, the ASS. Now some of you might say, “I don’t have an ass,” or “my ass is too big…” Stop right there. I’m here to tell you that ASS is ASS!!! ALL ASS IS PERFECT.

Here are a few moves to ‘get that gusher popping’:

The squat is a classic—stand with your feet shoulder-width apart, keep your knees over your toes, and move your little peach back like you’re sitting on someones’ face (a face is WAY more fun than a chair). I like to personalize my squat by grinding/twerking while I do it. This makes it feel more like a night out at the club and thus, makes me horny.

Next-up—the ‘peepee dog.’ You simply get on all fours, and lift one leg up to the side like a peeing dog! This might not feel like the sexiest move, but listen to a fuck track while doing this and get nasty! When you feel the cheek burn you know the juice is worth the squeeze!

And finally the sexiest move of all—hip thrusts (aka glute bridges). You lie on your back with your knees bent & thrust your hips into the air—and you fuck the sky! Remember, your ass can sit on a lot of things when quarantine is over, so let your mind wander… we want to be prepared for whatever opportunities may lie ahead!